How You Were Taught to Love: Part 1
Praise is to Allah the only true God, may the peace and blessings of Allah be on Muhammad and those that serve the one Lord.
Remember the golden rule,’ your orientation about love determines your LOVE LIFE (Why you love, what you love, how you love and HOW YOU EXPECT TO BE LOVED)’. Let’s begin.
A sister once condemned us Sunnis regarding love; she claimed we don’t know how to love!
Another sister clearly mentioned it’s the reason they date non-Muslims!
Unlike what they opine, Love is not strange to the sunnah. Let’s head right home to our library of hadeeths since a Muslim should be certain prophet has left nothing un-addressed.
An hadith in the Saheeh Al-Jaami’ (no. 5200) of the great Scholar of hadith ( Al-Albaany) quotes, ‘Ibn A’bbaas said a man came to the holy prophet (peace be upon him) and mentioned they had an orphan(female) who has two suitors; one rich and the other poor (and definitely both Sahaabas being religious). She yearns (by love) for the poor one but we want the rich one. Then, the messenger of Allah mentioned, ’We know nothing better for two lovers than marriage’ ’.
The concept of love is known to the Sunnah.
But, how do we love? It’s certain if you question of those who believe Sunnis can’t love, they won’t give a specific answer. You could get answers like,’ You know, there are SOMETHINGS you should do to show some love ‘. Some might mention some of those things and what “A” will demand differs from what “a” wants.
But note, none of these things will exceed what was learnt from the movie-world. Here are a few I should mention.
Your Love, Your world:
When you fall in love, your life should preach it. Your partner should surface in every drop of your world. Your work, play, sleep, food, family and dreams should speak it all; “Love is in the air”. Your social accounts (DP, status and cover-page) must have a slice of the pizza. Everything should be about this new love.
You can’t love if you can’t sweet-talk. Sugar-coated calls, talks and chats would make any woman tailing you till death do you part. Write poems, letters and daily messages to get them.
Pampering with wealth and attention:
For women, no love without this. Spoil her in spending and attention. At availability of funds, love demands you spend. Go shopping, take an expensive holiday trip, buy her a dream car and the list goes on; buy and keep buying. With or without wealth, utmost attention should be given. You notice when an eye-brow is missing, her dog coughed at night, even when she forgot to iron an inch area of her clothing.
“I LOVE YOU”:
You should learn to say this every minute of the day. Tell her before she sleeps, in her dream and wake her up with these words. Call her at office, amidst friends and after some minutes you departed to say: “I LOVE YOU”. “Oh! He is such a cool lover “, they would report about you.
All before Marriage:
You should prove yourself worthy before marriage. A taste of how lovely you could be is needed before tying knots. Which is the major problem; most of these claims come from those that have not had an inch of the sunnatic love. Yes, some tasted the bitter part of marrying a Sunni just as many have tasted the wrath of their lover-boys. “LOVE IS REAL”, they still claim. “SUNNATIC LOVE IS THE ONLY TRUE LOVE”, we are sure of. May Allah help us uphold the Sunnah in loving.
Accept! Accept!! Accept!!! :
(This point is deadly!) If you love him/her, you accept everything about him/her. The good, the bad and the ugly are all welcome. Bad habits are not to be condemned. Just love and love on. They want to be accepted for who they are and yet they seek specific attributes for a spouse. And if they are not accepted for who they are, they want to leave- why can’t they accept not being accepted? Bad habits (they acknowledge are bad) parents, siblings, friends and colleagues frown at are to be accepted by the partner. The deceptive outcome is “He/She is the only one that understands my feelings”.
It’s a fact they have worshipped; you can’t love two/three/four with one heart. True love should prevent looking elsewhere. Our religion is not for deception. Words like “Cheating on me” and “He is a player” show how much they deceive themselves. These so called “players” are excellent in loving; they kill each prey with these emotional bribes to hide flirty affairs. In-fact, most don’t trust their partners but opine, “at least he should hide ‘it’ from me”. Mothers love their husband and children. It’s wrong to think Islam invented polygamy. Islam only accommodated the nature of men. Polygamy had long existed before Islam.
The sunnah is not explicit in approval or rejection of the first four points (‘Your Love, Your world’, Pampering with wealth and attention, Sweet-talk and saying “I LOVE YOU”). They are all welcomed as long as none of the bounds of sharia’ are broken.
In-fact, instead of the popular “Val Day” to show love, the sunnah recommends every minute to show love to our wives. Dr Riyaadh Husain (one of the major students of Shaykh Al-Albaany) mentioned, “As for we Muslims, we worship Allah through being good and showing affection to our wives every time we have the opportunity to do so. No hour of the day or even minute except our tongues and actions profess our love for our wives …. For this, showing love is from the Ihsaan (perfection of worship) that Islam preaches. It is one of the means of achieving love and mercy and a path to fulfilling the rights of marriage. Whatever is needed to fulfil a Waajib (obligation) is obligatory”
Emotional or romantic attachments before marriage are Haram as it could – and it does- lead to Zina. They have not known how much a sunni could love since a Sunni won’t date or court. Dating became a norm amongst Muslims long ago. There are in-fact Muslim dating websites and platforms. Muslims today ‘Islamise’ every kind of evil.
There is a deadlier and more deceptive version of dating among some niqobites/jilbaabites/nisfu-sakites. They “Jilbaabised” their own kind of dating. It’s a kind of an un-announced dating life. He won’t ask her to date him and she won’t mention she fell for the bro. But there is that mutual affection. It originates from having spent so much time doing things together. Tutorials, business, attending lectures/meetings together b and so on had reduced the distance and ignited a mutual attention. She could tell him things beyond the norm. They both know so-and-so is a step closer than other brothers and sisters. It grows and becomes as hidden as the 14th day moon! – everybody knows the issue between them is at least not ordinary. May Allah save us from the plots of Shaytaan.
‘Accept! Accept!! and Accept!!!’ is an animal lifestyle inherited from western affiliations. It’s one of the aftermaths of their freedom-of-this-and-that. Sadly, all bad habits today are preached to the youth as a part of them they don’t need to fight. A bad habit permitted in the home is an eternal scar for the kids. Instead for couples to adjust to fit needed attributes for the home, they lazily hunt for an all-accepting spouse.
Regarding Love and Monogamy, we should not shy away from facts. TWO FACTS are germane; MAN IS NATURALLY POLYGAMOUS and WOMEN NATURALLY HATE POLYGAMY. That most (if not every) traditional cultures permit polygamy proves the one-man-one-wife motto was only ignited by the west; western trends are known of been far from every normal human instinct. The second fact needs no proof. These two facts should be understood by the fear of Allah.
Last fact: a man can’t love two or more wives equally is an opportunity for each wife to ensure she is the favourite. If these facts and natural instincts are ignored, they will be accepted the hard way.
THE SAD TRUTH
We emphasized your orientation about love determines your love life (Why you love, what you love, how you love and HOW YOU EXPECT TO BE LOVED). The claim Sunnis can’t love right is because the orientation about love has been derailed by fictional love stories. Their deceptive expectations from a lover can’t be satisfied by a Sunni (because of his religious commitments), thus they concluded he can’t love. Worse than these are some niqobites/jilbaabites who have not gotten a niqob/jilbaab for their emotional demands. They are eager for marriage with great expectancy of derailed emotional fantasies. When these demands are cautioned by religious orientations, they blame the marriage. They have not accepted Islam into their love lives.
The TV stars that teach them the assumed right way of loving via films and music don’t have steady marriages. These stars divorce and get divorced too frequently and hardly stick to family lives. It’s either these stars don’t live by what they preach or their preaching can’t sustain their marriages. Stupidity lies in both possibilities.
A list of Hollywood marriages that stood the test of time quoted, ’Hollywood marriages are known to be notoriously short, but a few couples have remained happy together for decades’. Another list of Nollywood (Nigerian Hollywood) stars whose marriages have stood the test of time opined, ’In an industry separation and divorce are rampant, it seems good to celebrate some Nollywood stakeholders whose marriages seem to have stood the test of time ’. Local and international ‘ollywoods’ are in consensus celeb marriages hardly last long.
A’ishah (the wife of the prophet- peace be upon him) narrated (a manifestation of true love),’ The prophet entered my room one day and saw some silver rings on my hands and said, ’ What is this,A’ishah ’
I answered,‘I wear them to beautify myself for you, O messenger of Allah’
(then the prophet asked) ‘Do you pay Zakat from them?’
I answered, ‘No, or what has Allah ordained? (I.e. She asked if she needed to pay Zakat from them)’
(then the prophet answered) ‘ They suffice you as a punishment in HELL (i.e. if she does not pay it)’ ‘ – Sunan Abu Dawud (graded Sahih by Al-Albaany)
Alright imagine that. A woman beautify herself for her hubby and the next statement is to frighten her off with HELL. I am sure if that happens in a soap opera, the next scene will be the woman crying and reporting to her friends; ‘How could he be like that? Is it wrong to look beautiful for one’s husband? ’
That narrated in the Hadith was easy since both parties understood the conclusion of this article. SHOWING LOVE IS ALLOWED WITHIN THE LIMITS OF ISLAM and once the bounds of Islam are broken, love is cautioned.
The prophet (peace be upon him) was no longer bothered by her emotional advance since a religious crime is obvious. We don’t pamper or accept showing love by sacrificing the rulings of the Sharia.
Brothers, don’t try that with your wife if she won’t understand. Be gentle with her until being realistic will help her learn and not make cry.
So, watch your emotional demands and commitment and keep them all behind religion.
Our next and last episode will be ‘LOVING RIGHT’.